Blog entry for:

admit that WE are powerless over addiction and OUR lives are unmanageable. **I,** on the other hand must make this admission and concede to my innermost self that i am the addict and I need to take the actions suggested by those who have walked this path before me. both of those statements are true, the former refers to an atmosphere of recovery with my peers, while the latter refers to HOW i need to live. this might be the place where i step up on my soapbox and whine about the misuse of pronouns as my peers share their recovery experience, however, i have been there and done that, so no need to rehash those thoughts. for me, recovery is a very personal journey and one that i share with my peers, hence i take no issue with the inclusiveness of the language in the printed word that comprises the backbone of my recovery program. what i “heard” this morning was more focused on how i include others in my experience, instead of pretending that i can do this gig in isolation.
when i was new to the program and long before i was a member, not one of my predecessors told me to come back when i was “ready.” although the fellowship was a bit more raw and direct in those days, the message was the same: “if you want what we have, then do what we do.” i was not sure, way back when, that i really wanted what they had, as i was far to busy comparing myself to who they were, rather than looking to be a part of. i did not believe i wanted a solution to a problem i did not believe i had and i was certainly not ready to cast my lot, with the “losers” who were so weak and feeble that they believed they had issues with finding the ways and means to get high, every single day. it is almost beyond belief that all these days later, i am one of them and grateful that i found the ways and means to become a part of this fellowship.
i know that what i “give away” is not always on the “positive” side of recovery, i leave the rainbows and daisies for my peers. i share about my struggles because i believe that is the most honest way for this addict to contribute. despite my reluctance to accept my addiction and the deadly nature of addiction, i stayed clean. despite my abhorrence of being abstinent and hanging with others who were not using, almost all of my friends are in the fellowship, today. despite the long, winding and twisty path to finding a spiritual direction, i believe that there is a POWER that fuels my recovery. most importantly, despite my reluctance to commit to being clean the rest of my life, i decided this morning that just for today, i would stay clean and do whatever it takes to foster my recovery. just for today, i am grateful to be part of the we, who do recover and seek a new way to live.

∞ DT ∞