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want to forgive when that adrenaline rush of self-righteous indignation felt so damn good? great question and one that i find myself coming back to time and again. it was a huge part of my cloak of invulnerability and when i was right, which in my opinion was always, i could be better than those who i judged lacking in discernment, intelligence or common sense. true, it was part of an isolating experience, but that would was a valued side-effect. after decades of living in that state, this was not lifted during my first actual SIXTH Step. no it took time, many more steps and a change in perception before i could start to get past what others did to me and decide what i took on myself.
these days, i am more like what one of my peers shared in the meeting this morning. righteous indignation takes place between my ears and is very rarely expressed in thought, word or action. sure, it would be better for me to let any perceived slights or harms roll off my back, but i am still far from being a “turn the other cheek” sort of person. i do, however, have a TENTH Step that i practice on a daily basis, that keeps me in check, after all, i absolutely, positively HATE admitting when i am wrong. the upshot of that aversion, is that when i think i may be in the wrong and starting to go down a road that will lead to an admission of being wrong, i can stop myself in my tracks and ask if it is really worth it, on any level. that “dead-man's” switch works about 99% of the time. that other one percent, well the corrective part of the TENTH STEP is called for and i do not shy away from that any more, no matter how “right” or injured i might have felt i was.
forgiveness is a path forward for me and one that leads to a greater sense of self and my place in the world around me. it may feel like some sort of Jedi mind trick at times. the end results is that i feel better about who i am and i let go of whatever was dragging me down into the pit of despair. i can choose to live in that house of pain or not. i always comes back to the notion that i dis not get clean, nor do i stay clean to be miserable, especially when it is me who cannot find anything but misery in my life. i made it through Prime Days without buying anything. i am making through post operative pain without reaching for a narcotic and i am moving along with my life, even though i am not sure when that next shoe is going to drop. just for today, i can be forgiving and accepting of myself and others and feel where that path to FREEDOM, takes me.

∞ DT ∞