µ i will remind myself that the First Step starts with **WE,** µ
Posted: Sun, Jul 20, 2014 01:13:55 PM
and know that I never have to be alone with addiction again.
so as i sit here, quite alone for the first time in the past few days or so, i am struck by the revelation that yes, i may have power, when i allow others into my life, BUT, sometimes i am like a petulant two year old, and i want to it all by myself. recovery, life and just everything, there are times when i want to pretend that i have some power, and that regardless of the reality of the world in general, i can weather whatever happens to come down the pike. the painful truth, at least for me, is that i never could do it by myself, but at least if i did not rely on anyone else, i could not be let down.
returning to the basic premise of STEP ONE, i can see from my history, that i never had any power of addiction in the slightest degree, since that first time, it was on. as i watched someone experiment with what tourists come to our fair state for last night, i felt a twinge of jealousy, because i could see that they were “baked,” and not enjoying it in the slightest. i wanted to reach out and slap them, and then i knew that they were not like me at all, they were normal, and being high did nothing for them, except make them wish that they were not. which brings me back to STEP ONE. the very notion that i was jealous, tells me that i am by no means cured. it also makes me want to reach out to some friends who have decided to try it again and let them know, that they need not be caught in the grips of active addiction either. that too, is something i am powerless over. anyhow, i have a few tasks to accomplish before the house fills up again, so i better get cracking. it is a great day, to know what i am and acknowledge that i am powerless over addiction.
so as i sit here, quite alone for the first time in the past few days or so, i am struck by the revelation that yes, i may have power, when i allow others into my life, BUT, sometimes i am like a petulant two year old, and i want to it all by myself. recovery, life and just everything, there are times when i want to pretend that i have some power, and that regardless of the reality of the world in general, i can weather whatever happens to come down the pike. the painful truth, at least for me, is that i never could do it by myself, but at least if i did not rely on anyone else, i could not be let down.
returning to the basic premise of STEP ONE, i can see from my history, that i never had any power of addiction in the slightest degree, since that first time, it was on. as i watched someone experiment with what tourists come to our fair state for last night, i felt a twinge of jealousy, because i could see that they were “baked,” and not enjoying it in the slightest. i wanted to reach out and slap them, and then i knew that they were not like me at all, they were normal, and being high did nothing for them, except make them wish that they were not. which brings me back to STEP ONE. the very notion that i was jealous, tells me that i am by no means cured. it also makes me want to reach out to some friends who have decided to try it again and let them know, that they need not be caught in the grips of active addiction either. that too, is something i am powerless over. anyhow, i have a few tasks to accomplish before the house fills up again, so i better get cracking. it is a great day, to know what i am and acknowledge that i am powerless over addiction.
∞ DT ∞