Blog entry for:

what stood out this morning, at least for me was the line that talked about never having to be alone with my addiction again. comforting as that may be, there is a responsibility in that statement, that i need to to live up to and honor. it is not up to my peers, my friends, my sponsor or my acquaintances to include me in that “we.” it is my responsibility to reach out, especially after a bit of time clean, and be a part of that collective. when i feel apart form, and i do from time to time, i know that it is not the fault of anyone else but me. i put that distance and as awkward as it may be, it is up to me, to bridge that gap. i was going to more clearly state what i just wrote, but changed my mind after i went through the three step process, i described about my silly Roman joke the other day.
for me, staying clean is not necessarily all about having the most of anything, whether that means toys, money or friends, and yet the longer i stay clean the more of those very things i accumulate. as i learn to esteem and respect myself, i feel more respected and esteemed by those people who are part of my life. i need not exercise my pride, conceit or arrogance, to cover up my feelings of inadequacy, because if i am close to that collective “we” i do not feel down-trodden or inadequate. even id i am a social retard, and i am, i take the opportunities to grow socially, very seriously and exercise my options. after all, the POWER that fuels my recovery, presents me with all sorts of chances to get the gifts i never dreamed were attainable by me, first and foremost, it is belonging to something greater than just me. i may be some sort of “godless heathen,” but that hardly means that i think i can can tackle addiction on my own. i NEED that “we” that the fellowship offers me, even though i used to believe that i could go this route on my own. been there, done that, still got the 'T'-shirt.
i do have a desire to stand up against my addiction, but lack the power to do so. visualizing what that means, at least for me, is that i have to hook into the vast pool of EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH and HOPE that the fellowship willingly gives me. i have to accept that the POWER that fuels my recovery, has provided me with everything i NEED to stay clean today and the fellowship is part of that opportunity, for me that means i stay awake listen for what i need to hear and ask for direction when i am confused. for me, it means i give more than i get and as a result get to stay clean another day. for me it means i stop telling others how they should do it. i stop pretending that i have nothing in my life that requires my immediate attention and i admit that i am afraid, confused or hurting. for me, it means i listen to my peers, and offer what they are asking foirm, and not my sordid opinions on ho they are living their lives. what i feel, what i see and what i hear, is filtered through the part of me i call addiction. without the support of that collective “we,” i would have been long gone and whether or not i would be using would be a completely differnt tale to tell.
so just for today? well, just for today, i think i will do my best to be a part of that WE, and leave the rest behind.

∞ DT ∞