Blog entry for:

of my powerlessness over addiction. as i sit here this morning fuming over the way Century Link has once again prevented me from doing my job, i am struck with the whole powerless part of life. crappy ISPs, vindictive bitter people in charge and so on. the litany of thing and people that i i have none or very little power over is quite long and really, when you get down to it, more than a bit depressing. not that i was going to sh!t a rainbow this morning, BUT…
as i realize the extent of how little personal power i do have, i want to scream, or as suggested by a sponsee, flip that equation around by multiplying by negative 1. with that i can see the sum of the power i do have and practice maintaining that power in constructive manner. no he is not quite erudite to really say something like that, so that is a paraphrase of the ideas in the book he was so proud to tell me he was reading. yes the Power of Positive Thinking, is a classic, in fact it set in motion this entire building others esteem, by not focusing on who is first in any competition paradigm up. what it does not say, and what others often attribute the book as saying, is that we forget reality and spin everything into a positive light. it also does not say that thinking about the best possible outcomes will make them happen. what it does talk about, is how when i internalize the message that i am bad, by telling myself i am bad, or evil or stupid or any one of a myriad of terms i could use to describe myself, i become all of those things. it is true, that i have done bad things, i have done stupid things and yes i have actually done evil things, but none of that is who i am, and today, through the loving guidance of the “WE,” i am learning to separate who i am, from what i do. i DO have power over what i think about myself and how i say it to myself, and to deny that is to deny a powerful source of comfort and yes even growth. i may be powerless over addiction, and that is really a no-brainer, but i do not need to give up all the power i do have, especially over who and what i am. each day that i stay clean and more importantly live a program of recovery, I GET THAT MUCH MORE POWER. yes, active recovery, at least for me, is both necessary and sufficient for my continued personal growth. an outgrowth of that corollary, is that as i grow, i find that i need fewer affirmations from the outside. i can take criticism and reality checks from those with whom i share my life, and not spin down into the litany of i am not worthy. i am worth something, even after admitting that i require an outside POWER to counter addiction.
which i guess, a bit clumsily, brings me to the end. i do need to get rolling and accomplish one of many things today, and there is nothing wrong with that. yes i am worth the love and attentiopn i am given by my friends, family memebrs and peers IN recovery. yes i am worth taking my personal power where i can and letting it go where i need to. most importantly i am worth allowing myself to be a positive person, if even for a second, even though that is not who i think i am. it is a good day to be clean and to be looking for the solution to my ultimate problem, ME!

∞ DT ∞