Blog entry for:

personal strength, by making a verbal admission of my powerlessness. so, to put it simply it has been one hell of a crappy week. the past seven days the lesson of where i do and do not have any power, has been driven home, time and again. i am totally worn out and tired of surrendering once again to the inevitable. i am out of acceptance and tolerance juice and as the saying goes, life on its own terms is “working my last nerve.”😭😭😭
moving along, because that is what i do today, that brief and plaintive bit of whining is brought to denizens of the interwebs by my recovery process. once upon a time, not all that long ago, i would have swallowed all of my frustration, anger and emotions and presented a face to the world that indicated i was just “FINE.” the fact of the matter is, today, i can trust my friends and my peers to give me what i need when i let them into my life, by telling them what is happening. it is nice to have people in my life that actually listen to my concerns and if appropriate provide a bit of insight based on their experience, strength and hope. today, i have to set some boundaries with a loved one, i have to set some boundaries with a company that i have been trying to do business with and i to make those with whom i work with, actually listen to what i am saying. all of a sudden, everyone seems to believe that i am available twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, to be at their beck and call. all of a sudden, their fires are something i NEED to tend to, even though it is through their obtuse inaction that they have flared up. all of a sudden, a whole lot of stuff that belongs to others, is being given to me, to deal with, because they lack the skills to clean-up the messes that themselves have made. all of a sudden, even when i follow directions precisely, it ends up costing me and there is no ownership from the person who was responsible. for them it is all about blaming others and telling me that they “have my back.” i understand that philosophy and it seems to be the flavor of the month all over the world, in every walk of life. find a scapegoat, place the blame on them and tell the world how well one is treating their clients. how do i recognize this all around me? i am very familiar with the whole scenario, as i polished that act into a finely cut gem, during my active addiction and still try to pick it up, every now and again. that act seems to be “my precious,” and even though i know it will own me, if i choose to wear it, its charms are quite irresistible as abdicating responsibility for anything has always appeared to be the easier, softer way.
wow, quite the thought there and one that gives me a minute to pause and consider what my next steps may be. just for today, i believe that i will take care of my stuff, own what is mine, set some boundaries, apologize for my less than stellar behavior and move along into my day. i will admit that i am powerless and allow myself to join the collective “WE” that comprises the members of the fellowship from which my recovery springs. yes, i am powerless and yes many aspects of my life are unmanageable, but just foir today, i will own what is mine and do my best to find a bit more tolerance and acceptance juice in my spiritual gas tank.

∞ DT ∞