โ i start each day with an admission of my powerlessness over addiction โ
Posted: Fri, Jul 20, 2012 06:55:10 AM
reminding myself that our First Step starts with **we,** confident in the knowledge that i never have to be alone with addiction again.
change is desirable and often inevitable and i am sure in a reaction to change, i had the silliest nightmare i ever had, last night. i dreamt i quickly and quite suddenly started going bald, in the ugliest manner imaginable. although in the light of the morning, it seems so trivial, when i was in the midst of the dream, i felt like it was the absolutely scariest thing that could ever happen to me. what does that have to do with powerlessness and addiction? well…
hellip;it shows me, that what i think is scary and something to avoid at all costs, may not necessarily be so, once the light of day shines upon it. if, in active addiction, i ever entertained the notion that i had a problem, it was quickly dispatched with extreme prejudice. the fact was, the very thought that i could be an addict, was so abhorrent to me, that i spent a great deal of time and energy building up a solid case against that conclusion. the lawyer within, defended me from the brutal truth and allowed me to use until some outside force stepped in and brought my world crashing down around me. the inertia of using, was to great for me to overcome on self-will, and being an addict was just the way it was going to be.
well, i am still an addict, that has not changed. what has changed is that i can live a program of active recovery today. that program is gift from those who came before me, sustained by my peers in the rooms and can only be accepted by me, IF i choose to allow it to work in my life. that is the I and the WE of the first step. I have to accept, than WE can recover. today as i start my last commute to Denver, i am happy that YOU ALL continue to sustain my gift of recovery and allow me to accept and yes even foster change in my life. and yes when i woke up from my nightmare, the first thing i did was run to the mirror, to reassure myself that it was all just a dream. it is a great day to be clean and it is time to head on out, secure in the fact that when i NEED help, those i share the rooms with, the collective WE, will be there to give it to me.
change is desirable and often inevitable and i am sure in a reaction to change, i had the silliest nightmare i ever had, last night. i dreamt i quickly and quite suddenly started going bald, in the ugliest manner imaginable. although in the light of the morning, it seems so trivial, when i was in the midst of the dream, i felt like it was the absolutely scariest thing that could ever happen to me. what does that have to do with powerlessness and addiction? well…
hellip;it shows me, that what i think is scary and something to avoid at all costs, may not necessarily be so, once the light of day shines upon it. if, in active addiction, i ever entertained the notion that i had a problem, it was quickly dispatched with extreme prejudice. the fact was, the very thought that i could be an addict, was so abhorrent to me, that i spent a great deal of time and energy building up a solid case against that conclusion. the lawyer within, defended me from the brutal truth and allowed me to use until some outside force stepped in and brought my world crashing down around me. the inertia of using, was to great for me to overcome on self-will, and being an addict was just the way it was going to be.
well, i am still an addict, that has not changed. what has changed is that i can live a program of active recovery today. that program is gift from those who came before me, sustained by my peers in the rooms and can only be accepted by me, IF i choose to allow it to work in my life. that is the I and the WE of the first step. I have to accept, than WE can recover. today as i start my last commute to Denver, i am happy that YOU ALL continue to sustain my gift of recovery and allow me to accept and yes even foster change in my life. and yes when i woke up from my nightmare, the first thing i did was run to the mirror, to reassure myself that it was all just a dream. it is a great day to be clean and it is time to head on out, secure in the fact that when i NEED help, those i share the rooms with, the collective WE, will be there to give it to me.
∞ DT ∞