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sets me free, but do i really and sincerely wish to be free? as rhetorical as that may seem, there are certainly times when i relish an opportunity to get even with someone. plotting and planning my vengeance with obsessive glee, little realizing the weight i have chosen to carry against my very spirit. in fact, as i ruminate about my designs, i know that i am not only justified, but absolutely have the right to correct this perceived wrong. it is more than ironic that this reading popped up today, as i was discussing this very issue with a man who calls me his sponsor, as we went over his step work. he happens to be on his STEP 8 and talking about the harm he has done, naturally led into a discussion about the harm that has been visited upon him, by those very same persons.
a question my sponse has asked me, time and again, is what is the payoff for holding on to these grudges, even if they are not full-blown resentments. i always go to the satisfaction of being, at least in my own head, the victim in these situations. as a victim i “need” to stand-up and demand recompense for those who have trespassed against me, regardless of the cost. not the healthiest of attitudes and one that has been slow in being relieved, as i felt trod upon for decades at end.
what is it that i want to be free of, anyhow? i want to be free of the simmering feelings of hate, disgust and powerlessness. i am powerless to change what has happened before right now and holding on to and polishing those events into tasty nuggets of bile, does me little good. the power i have within me to forgive, if i choose to use it. when one thinks about it, it costs me a whole lot less to let go and move on, using the power that i have to make myself a stronger and more spiritually fit version of me. the choice i “get” to make today, is how much weight do i wish to carry and is it really worth the effort? more than enough to ponder as i get out and about, this cloudy morning.

∞ DT ∞