Blog entry for:

i also rob myself of the love, friendship, and unparalleled experience with recovery that my fellow members have to offer. okay take two, trying to cobble together a fix while blogging is not necessarily conducive to either task, so it goes…
as i was starting to say, i was struck by two ideas in the process of reading and contemplating this morning, the first being how much i used to detest being the object of gossip, and the second the way that as i grew and grow more secure in who i am, and what i am doing, the less the whole idea of what others think diminishes in relative importance to me and the world around me.
where i was going, before i so rudely interrupted myself was those thoughts provide a sort of bridge between who i was and who i am becoming. the very thought that someone was talking about me, when i was in active addiction repulsed and excited me at the same time. i know that sounds insane, and if you are like me, you understand exactly what that last statement means. if you are not, well hang on as this ride is going to get a bit bumpy. even in early recovery i had the same sort of reaction -- repulsion because i believed that i could never live up to the spiritual ideals of the program that i was starting to live and the judgment of those who saw me trying to and failing miserably, at least in my opinion. the excitement? well it comes from the fact that i have so much influence that they were talking about me. getting my self-respect through the actions of others gig. i know now how sick that was and is.
this morning, as i think about others talking about me, i can still feel those same feelings, i am not that well yet. what happens next, however, is the important part. i feel those feelings and see how unimportant they really are to me. yes i like to be talked about still, especially in a positive light, BUT i do not need the approval of others twenty-four seven, anymore. i get what i need from the satisfaction, that no matter how it appears to others, i am doing the best i can to live a spiritual program, and while their input and feedback is an important mechanism for correcting my path when i have wandered off the straight and narrow, what they say about me to others is irrelevant to what i feel and think about myself. the power that i once gave therm, is diminishing day by day, as i become more secure in what i need to do.
speaking of which i have a 9 AM appointment, so if i intend to tour the neighborhood i need to get cracking
-- until next time be well.

∞ DT ∞