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my personal life than anyone has ever known before, and for this addict, that is a GOOD thing. the irony here, is based on mu observations, the members who complain the loudest about gossip, seem to be those who do the most gossiping themselves, and participate openly in behaviors that leads to comments from others. i understand that attention-seeking behavior, as i have been there and done that, wanting to be the center of attention and thinking up my next act to be the flavor of the week.
the reading this morning, did not necessarily bring me back there, and my comment on gossip in the paragraph above, may be the only one i have for the rest of the this little seemingly random set of brain waves. what i heard this morning, is that growing self-esteem, self-respect and self awareness, will remove the sting of someone talking about me to others. when i am comfortable that my behavior is what i want to be doing, i do not care what others are saying. in fact, i get a bit of a thrill, when i have enough power over others, that they feel they need to talk about me. in that instant i have become their higher power, and that certainly warms the cockles of my heart. see paragraph one!
what i also heard this morning, is that my share last night was certainly more than adequate. i certainly would like to attach a higher value on it, but that goes to the root of my problem, namely me! across the course of my life, i have always thought i could be more, and yet time and again i failed to achieve being the best. i have spoken about the behavior of just not trying, in the past, so it does not need to be repeated here for very long. yes, the tape i heard when i came in second time and again is why bother, just settle and be comfortable in the fact that you can be second, with very little effort. so if i want to be on the top of the gossip charts, why not apply myself a little bit more and do so.
seriously, as i walk the path towards becoming, genuine, self-aware and whole, i find myself more secure in who i am, even when there are bit and pieces, that i am unsure will fit, but are certainly realities in the man i am today. the man i will be tomorrow, is just a myth and a waste of my time to envy that person. in fact, after sharing last night, i spoke to a few guys and one them said, that i sounded smooth and self-aware. so much so, that he nearly envied me. i know that was certainly not me speaking, yes i am about to go all mystical here. as i was saying, these days, when i share at length, i allow myself the freedom to go where i need to go, without having a plan. it was certainly true last night. the notion i had when i started was to tell my story through the process of becoming the man i have always wanted to be. yes there were drug-a-logs, some jokes at my own expense, but more than anything else, there was a description of my journey on this remarkable path. no one can take that away form me, unless i allow them to become my higher power by actually caring what they think of me. arriving at this place, is certainly a quantum leap forward for this addict and on that bit of a rainbow fart, i think i will start the process of getting over to work. it is after all a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞