๐ how it feels ๐
Posted: Sat, Sep 23, 2017 09:44:22 AM
to live in the glass house of the local fellowship is certainly an apt topic today, as i was caught in the act of talking about someone who used to come around, but is currently indisposed. ironically, their greatest fear is that everyone is talking about them, so at least just for that day, i certainly was guilty in the first degree. i also remember what it was like when i thought everyone was talking shite about me, and how well i did not handle it. in fact, i was of the mindset of i will show all you a$$wipes what real shite talking is about and launched more than a few preemptive total annihilation attacks, leaving nothing but the charred reputation of my “oppressor” in its wake. far from the spiritual path i aspire to live, just for today. it is also quite true, that i have had to make direct and very painful, for me, amends as a result of such totally inappropriate behavior or as i got a few more days clean, admission of wrong in near real-time. i can tell you that is totally sucks to go back and clean up the messes my oversized ego creates when i venture out in self-will.
there is also a part of me, and not a small part, that craves the attention and likes to think, others are talking about me. that old cliché that there is no bad press. i can feed that fire by being outrageously scandalous, or behaving in an a$$holish manner, which i have done in the past. or i can step out of self-will and live my life above reproach and be held up as a beacon of HOPE. truthfully, there are days when i prefer the former to the latter as being seen as a paragon of virtue on any level is not part of the self-image i still carry around.
this reading goes to the heart of a question my sponse asked me, when we last sat down together, why i felt it so important to separate my clean date celebration from the other two addicts in my local fellowship, who coincidentally share that date? thew truth is, it is all about ego and me basking in that spotlight for one hour, all by myself.it is about me throwing open the blinds and doors, and for one brief moment letting everyone see how clean i am getting this little dirty glass house of mine. growing up in a very small local fellowship, i have seen how destructive i have been in the past,m when i chose to speak of others, even when it was caring and loving and out of concern for their well-being. what i have discovered is not everyone has an ego that is stoked by attention and that the truly spiritual path is to keep my piehole shut. what i have also learned is that i really am not all that stoked by everyone knowing everything about me, and that if truth be told, i would rather lurk in a shadowed corner and let the parade of drama and trauma pass me by. somewhere between in the center ring and stealth mode, is where i actually NEED to lead my life. the Yin of the spotlight need to balanced with the Yang of the shadows and as i ponder my role in the village of glass houses in which i reside, i am certain that one or more of my peers, feels the way i do. being super-sized, while enjoyable in the moment, gets old for me very quickly. giving others something to talk about wears me out. i am quite certain i did not hang the moon, nor would the local fellowship dry up and blow away, if i chose to walk away. i certainly will not allow anyone to chase me out of a meeting and if i feel uncomfortable by the presence of another, it is up to me, to figure out what is going on inside of me. i have heard all the justifications and rationalizations, with a few new twists this week alone. i really love the one; “i am giving them space, for them to recover.” no what i am doing when i pitch that lie, is saying i am not good enough to go to this meeting because i still have injured itsy-bitsy feelings about the alleged harm that they perpetrated upon my life.
anyhow, today, i acknowledge that everyone knows just about everything about who i am and what i am about, in our local fellowship,. as spooky scary as that is, it also means that they can see when, even i, Mr Recovery may need a kind word, a sincere and deep felt hug or just a laugh or two. so as i walk through today, with very limited exposure to those in the fellowship, i can rest assured that if i encounter an uncomfortable feeling or two, there is something about me that needs to be looked at, and not the so-called “offending party.” it is after all a great day to be clean.
there is also a part of me, and not a small part, that craves the attention and likes to think, others are talking about me. that old cliché that there is no bad press. i can feed that fire by being outrageously scandalous, or behaving in an a$$holish manner, which i have done in the past. or i can step out of self-will and live my life above reproach and be held up as a beacon of HOPE. truthfully, there are days when i prefer the former to the latter as being seen as a paragon of virtue on any level is not part of the self-image i still carry around.
this reading goes to the heart of a question my sponse asked me, when we last sat down together, why i felt it so important to separate my clean date celebration from the other two addicts in my local fellowship, who coincidentally share that date? thew truth is, it is all about ego and me basking in that spotlight for one hour, all by myself.it is about me throwing open the blinds and doors, and for one brief moment letting everyone see how clean i am getting this little dirty glass house of mine. growing up in a very small local fellowship, i have seen how destructive i have been in the past,m when i chose to speak of others, even when it was caring and loving and out of concern for their well-being. what i have discovered is not everyone has an ego that is stoked by attention and that the truly spiritual path is to keep my piehole shut. what i have also learned is that i really am not all that stoked by everyone knowing everything about me, and that if truth be told, i would rather lurk in a shadowed corner and let the parade of drama and trauma pass me by. somewhere between in the center ring and stealth mode, is where i actually NEED to lead my life. the Yin of the spotlight need to balanced with the Yang of the shadows and as i ponder my role in the village of glass houses in which i reside, i am certain that one or more of my peers, feels the way i do. being super-sized, while enjoyable in the moment, gets old for me very quickly. giving others something to talk about wears me out. i am quite certain i did not hang the moon, nor would the local fellowship dry up and blow away, if i chose to walk away. i certainly will not allow anyone to chase me out of a meeting and if i feel uncomfortable by the presence of another, it is up to me, to figure out what is going on inside of me. i have heard all the justifications and rationalizations, with a few new twists this week alone. i really love the one; “i am giving them space, for them to recover.” no what i am doing when i pitch that lie, is saying i am not good enough to go to this meeting because i still have injured itsy-bitsy feelings about the alleged harm that they perpetrated upon my life.
anyhow, today, i acknowledge that everyone knows just about everything about who i am and what i am about, in our local fellowship,. as spooky scary as that is, it also means that they can see when, even i, Mr Recovery may need a kind word, a sincere and deep felt hug or just a laugh or two. so as i walk through today, with very limited exposure to those in the fellowship, i can rest assured that if i encounter an uncomfortable feeling or two, there is something about me that needs to be looked at, and not the so-called “offending party.” it is after all a great day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞