Blog entry for:

i do my level best not to judge, stereotype, or moralize with others, even when it seems that their behaviors are outrageous. of course, that statement in and of itself is certainly a judgment, and i do understand the irony there. truthfully, judging the behavior with others is something that is not necessarily a bad skill to have, it is when i choose to share those judgments with others where i start to stray from the spiritual path. naturally, there is a quick rationalization, i am just expressing my concern, because i care for them. yeah, i know that sort of stuff is just a lie i tell myself, so i can sooth my conscience. well i have not yet reached a state of spiritual enlightenment where i am beyond this sort of behavior. i am better than i once was, as gossip was one of the weapons in my arsenal to defend my fragile self-esteem. if i could moralize with others about the behaviors i saw, i could feel better about myself, after all i was not the one doing such and such, i was the one just commenting on it. if someone just happened to be within earshot of my offhand remarks, well they were participating in the activity by listening, so were equally at fault. the tricks and means i go through to justify this sort of insanity is really amazing.
what does any of this have to do with me and my program today? well, last night i engaged in that behavior, as a member who purports to have great responsibility has been more than slacking in what they agreed to do. i commented upon this, and it was out sheer anger. did i feel any better? well i was not quite filled with so much venom, and this was part of my daily inventory last night. there truly is no irony with this reading popping up this morning,m as on any given day, i am quite likely to have judged and moralized with others about the behavior of someone else, whether they are in recovery, or active addiction. i can and often do wail and flog myself over my spiritual unfitness, when this does become part of my daily inventory, and i resolve to do better tomorrow, only to find myself once again in the thick of it. so the real question becomes, if this is a sign of how unfit i am, what is the point of even trying, after all, i am doomed to failure anyhow. the point is, i do this less and less, and my motives, as heinous as they still are, are not as heinous as they once were. partly it is judging those behaviors so i can provide myself a gauge as to how i am progressing along my spiritual path. yes noticing and judging is one thing, it is when i comment that i cross the line. the court is always in session, my task is to shut the court reporter down and stop leaking every single judgment i have to the waiting world, that i somehow believe hangs on my every word. that is where i see improvement, and that is where i will go today, making the decision NOT to share my judgments no matter how astute i feel they may be. on that note i do believe i will get a bit of work done, as today i have the opportunity to work a bit more, as it is a day off in my workout cycle. today i can be present for what i am doing and do my best to behave in the manner i would like to grow accustomed to behaving in. it is after all about behaving my way into better thinking!

∞ DT ∞