Blog entry for:

of others or at least what i think their opinions are, has been a driving force in my recovery, since the very beginning. allowing myself to be caught up in a popularity contest that i will never win, is part of the the baggage i brought with me, when i walked into the rooms. i cannot or will not speak for any of my peers, but i can say without a doubt that when i “share for the newcomer,” i am actually playing a role to impress my peers, as i have very few clues about what it means to be a newcomer anymore. my litany of sins could go on and on, suffice it to say, that as i work to see those stories that i take for “truth” as the vile concoctions of self-deprecation that they are, i will also be working to allow some POWER to remove my need to seek approval from those around me.
what does my need to show those bits and pieces of who i am, to affect how i want others to see me have to do with gossip? for me, gossip has been one of the ways i boost my self-esteem, at the expense of others. as i stay clean and grow in my recovery, what i say about my peers in recovery has certainly become less destructive and happens less frequently. i had the desire to tell a peer in recovery to be careful with certain members, as they are not who they try to make others see them as. based on my experience, i decided that it really was none of my business and my opinion may not be correct anyhow, recovery can change those who live a program. i told myself that expressing my opinion, flawed or otherwise, was doing my part in protecting them from the pain of getting burned by those in untreated addiction. what stopped me was the fact that in order for me to grow, i had to get burned to learn. just as my parents allowed me to fall and to fail, no matter how much it hurt, it ended up being a good thing for me. i learned to recognize when i was getting played by others or myself.
as i prepare to be “grounded” for my week of on-call, i can be certain that attending a meeting or two off my normal beat will expose me to wanting to play all sorts of roles. when i catch myself discussing the lives of others, i will need to step back and see what it is i am gaining by doing so. i know where my home is, and maybe, just maybe i can learn not defecate where i sleep, just for today.

∞ DT ∞