Blog entry for:

simply accept the way things are and the way i am, and live my life according to principles. ironically, this seems to be the least of any of the issues that are hindering my transformation into the person and man i have always wanted to be. where once, what people were saying about me, and how i looked in their eyes were the overarching concerns of my public life, today it is no longer that simple. sure, outward appearances are still important to me, and i have not totally given up the effort to project the perfect recovering addict front, but the amount resources i invest in indulging in that particular shortcoming, diminishes day by day. not to say i am that much better, just that much more weary of doing what it takes to maintain that image. as my halo tarnishes, i am certain there is a word or two around the fellowship, and today if there is or is not, i am only the flavor of the month and next week, someone else will be on the top of the list.
what it comes down, as i keep telling the men i sponsor, that when i am confident in who i am and what i am doing, it really makes no difference what others are thinking and talking about, because that is their stuff not mine. my stuff? well if i happened to hear that so and so, had the cops called on them, because they weer using in a very public place, it would become my stuff if i chose to propagate the story. when i was in active addiction, gossip was one of my weapons of choice, and as such, the whole keeping up appearances and keeping my crap hidden, became a driving force in my life. the less people had to say about me the better. in some ways i still feel that way, the less said about me, good, bad or indifferent, the better. unfortunately, as i come more and more out of isolation, i find that in reality i have to get used to people talking about me and the stupid and not so stupid things i do as i walk through the public part of me life and share my private gaffes in open meetings. that is just what people do, when they are part of large social groups, if it happen sin religious settings, it is certainly going to happen in social ones as well.
anyhow, it is time to get into the shower and head east to work with one of the men i sponsor. yes, that is a good thing and more than that, it is a tidbit i would like passed around as it goes to the image i want to project. in reality all it is, is maintenance of my recovery, polishing the gift i have been given by giving it away. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞