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and the who i am, is one path to serenity. the irony in that statement, is figuring out who i really am, after having what was, exploded in a powerful FIFTH STEP, leaving me gasping for air and licking my wounds. sitting in a local meeting last night, i felt a connection to those who were there, including one of the men i sponsor and his wife. the fact that i “knew” very little about the others who were there, did not phase me in the slightest, in fact, it was part of what i found attractive. not only were they anonymous to me, i was anonymous to them as well and i could be who i was without anyone dredging up history between us. for someone such as myself, who has lived his life on the down-low for nearly six decades, there was a comfort in that experience, which when i take a peek at it, i can see feeds the lie that i no longer accept as a valid manner in which to see myself.
what popped for me this morning, however had nothing to do with the meeting last night and more to do with the interactions i had with those who are part of my life. i can now see the why and how of crafting a life where i could hide in plain sight and believing that doing so, protected me from being “found out.” i walked away from a personal interaction yesterday, wondering why the questions they asked me, were about trivial matters and not about the real issues at hand. after a moment's pause, i saw my own behavior in that, if i deny something is happening, eventually it will go away and resolve on its own, and then i can blames someone else or something else, if i find that resolution unacceptable. i am not saying that is why someone else acted in that manner, ignoring the obvious, it is me and only me, for whom that bell tolls. i know that for myself, it is time to question the answers to the questions i have been afraid to ask.
this morning, as i prepare to get my steps in and visit the land of breathless sweat buckets, i know that i am on the correct path and that what i am feeling, is a need to get off my ass and start my journey through the steps, picking up from where i left off. this hiatus, as long as it has been, has allowed me to breathe and take stock in who i have become. i may want to “look” better than i am, and that can be a reality, if i do the work in front of me. this morning, i am okay just as i am, right here and right now. my self-esteem is becoming less based on what others say and think of me and more based on the reality of how i walk through life these days.

∞ DT ∞