Blog entry for:

the opinions of others NEED not affect my commitment to recovery. as i have often said for me, IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT HOW I LOOK IN THE EYES OF OTHERS. that is still a sad fact of life, and one that is ever so slowly being removed from me. by setting that particular context, i can move forward. one of the consequences of my bad decision-making this week, is that now, i WANT to do something to look better in the eyes of someone else. as tempting as that is, i have already trampled my significant other underfoot, and cleaning up that mess, is in and of itself, my primary task. part of that is to treat her with respect, so saying yes to someone, merely to save my face, look good and avoid the garbage about how fVcked i am when i said no to someone, is a tricky place to be.
the question then boils down to the eternal: do i save my face or do i save my ass? as bad as bit may appear to others, today i choose to save my ass, and do the next right thing by saying NO. it never comes easy for me to say no, especially when someone is part of the collateral damage of my behaviors. i see that in this case, i can be some sort of super recovery guru, or at least play one, if i say yes regardless of what my heart and my gut are telling me. after all, looking good is better than feeling good!
i also know, that saying NO may cause a swirl of gossip about how this and that i am,, especially after all that i have said and done over the past seven days or so, and although i always crave attention, good, bad and indifferent, this morning i feel like walking stealthily through my day. i know that no matter what i have to do what i know is correct and let the chips fall where they may fall. i want to be more than i was yesterday, and given the sh!t i have been all week, that will not BE that difficult to accomplish. today, i choose to save my ass. yes that means i walk away from a meeting that is on life support, yes that means i say NO to a barely clean addicts and that means i consult with, listen to and consider the feelings, wants and desires of the woman i live, before i make a decision that will affect the lives of both of us.
if only i had that clarity of mind earlier this week, instead of the single-purposed fixation i had on saving another. although the decision i am making would not have been altered on jot, at least there would not be a feeling of debt, because…
so i can lament the fact that my actions are scrutinized by others and commented upon, as they desire, or i can accept it. i know gossip is a fact of life in the fellowship, and as i consider it, it is a fact of life in all human communities, regardless of their purpose. more than likely, we do not no more here than they do it in church. the only difference, is most of the time, we are more open about the evil and not so evil we do in the course of our day to day living, which means what others say is rooted in self-revealed fact and less in the fictions they create as we walk past. i can live with that today and i guess i will have to, as reality beckons and it is time to shower and head on out. talk or do not talk, i may say i do not care, but honestly what i care about most is the power you give me, when you choose to talk about me, and being the person i am, just imagining that, warms the cockles of my heart.
so later, gators!

∞ DT ∞