๐ต i can choose ๐น
Posted: Wed, Mar 11, 2026 11:33:55 AM
to forgive others for letting self-centered fear guide their actions, actively seeking to accept them as they are. being human is not what i signed up, way back when. i signed up to get off paper and learn how to get high like a normal person, even though i had no clue how normal people did just that. i did not believe i had anything more than a legal problem and certainly not a drug problem. i believed i was set in my ways and what others may have seen as a “character defect,” i saw as an asset to protect myself in this dog-eat-dog world. i had no clue that i might just want to change the direction of my life by one hundred and eighty degrees. life can be strange in that manner, as i never knew i needed to change, until i actually started to change.
these days, as i stagger towards writing out my resentments, i have the desire to do exactly what i started off this little exercise, forgiving others for their humanness, without a judgement or deprecating myself for jumping into the judgement mode. i am finding that whole adding a label on someone, based on their behavior to be less satisfying than it once was. when i needed to feel superior, barbecue i had little self-worth, the judgement machine was my savior. like any false messiah, as i saw through the smokescreen and gaslighting, i realized that perhaps, i was better than i really thought i was and certainly worth more for which i gave myself credit.
i am certainly glad i did not rush myself into writing my resentment list as i am starting to actually see that what i thought i had dealt with, is perhaps sitting just under the surface like a school of piranhas, waiting to devour me. this has been a common pattern in my previous FOURTH STEPS, brushing stuff under the carpet because i told myself that i has already “dealt” with that issue, when i actually just kept kicking down the road. this time, i am going to at least consider seriously whether or not i actually am still feeling the burn and write about it, even if it is just a little bit. i really do want freedom from my judgement machine and the damage i do to myself, when i choose to devalue and disrespect myself.
i do not, however, disrespect myself enough to send off seven grand to a company in Iceland, to get a job through their “job search accelerator.” i have allowed myself to fall into traps like that, too many times in the past decade. if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is just another way to scam me out of my limited resources. i do need to add to my resentment list or beat myself up for falling for yet another one! just for today, i can and will treat myself better than i have in the past and not have to regret making a decision that sucks.
these days, as i stagger towards writing out my resentments, i have the desire to do exactly what i started off this little exercise, forgiving others for their humanness, without a judgement or deprecating myself for jumping into the judgement mode. i am finding that whole adding a label on someone, based on their behavior to be less satisfying than it once was. when i needed to feel superior, barbecue i had little self-worth, the judgement machine was my savior. like any false messiah, as i saw through the smokescreen and gaslighting, i realized that perhaps, i was better than i really thought i was and certainly worth more for which i gave myself credit.
i am certainly glad i did not rush myself into writing my resentment list as i am starting to actually see that what i thought i had dealt with, is perhaps sitting just under the surface like a school of piranhas, waiting to devour me. this has been a common pattern in my previous FOURTH STEPS, brushing stuff under the carpet because i told myself that i has already “dealt” with that issue, when i actually just kept kicking down the road. this time, i am going to at least consider seriously whether or not i actually am still feeling the burn and write about it, even if it is just a little bit. i really do want freedom from my judgement machine and the damage i do to myself, when i choose to devalue and disrespect myself.
i do not, however, disrespect myself enough to send off seven grand to a company in Iceland, to get a job through their “job search accelerator.” i have allowed myself to fall into traps like that, too many times in the past decade. if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is just another way to scam me out of my limited resources. i do need to add to my resentment list or beat myself up for falling for yet another one! just for today, i can and will treat myself better than i have in the past and not have to regret making a decision that sucks.
∞ DT ∞