๐ฒ the desire ๐ฒ
Posted: Fri, Sep 26, 2025 11:28:39 AM
to stop using is the only requirement for membership and as such, is direct, inclusive, and thorough. for me, that requirement was a major stumbling block in my early recovery, as i actually only had the desire to comply with the conditions of my probation. yes, that meant not using, but in those days, that was only temporary, as my recovery, such as it was, had an expiration date. what it also meant, is that emotionally and spiritually, i was dragging along the bottom of the very deep waters of my desire to use. self-will and meetings provided just enough oxygen to keep me going, but looking back at those days, i knew even then, that i was dying.
today, as i read my source material and pondered what it meant to have a single requirement for membership, i am more than grateful, that compliance was enough to keep me coming back in my period of mere abstinence. even deep in my denial, i felt a certain connection to those who were in the rooms and who continued to welcome me, even though i am pretty certain that more than a few of them wrote me off, as someone who would never “get it.” i never thought i would get it, so why should anyone else believe in me? it was those who actually did believe in me, that made the difference when i reached the bottom of my pit of despair. their light brightened my day and attracted to a manner of living that has sustained me to this day.
looking back over the past few weeks, i have to revisit my judgements on those peers with whom i found fault. i know all of them appeared on my daily inventories and i do not need to make any amends or apologize to anyone, WHEW! the damage that went unaddressed was how i cheapened myself by going into the house of pain of judging others, based on their behaviors. as i sit here this morning, i can forgive myself for being human and treading down that overly familiar path. even in the spirit of forgiveness, i need to find the ways and means to short-circuit that reaction, morphing it into responding and see if i can do better. it is certainly something that i can probably address if i ever start writing my THIRD STEP. 😜
today, as i read my source material and pondered what it meant to have a single requirement for membership, i am more than grateful, that compliance was enough to keep me coming back in my period of mere abstinence. even deep in my denial, i felt a certain connection to those who were in the rooms and who continued to welcome me, even though i am pretty certain that more than a few of them wrote me off, as someone who would never “get it.” i never thought i would get it, so why should anyone else believe in me? it was those who actually did believe in me, that made the difference when i reached the bottom of my pit of despair. their light brightened my day and attracted to a manner of living that has sustained me to this day.
looking back over the past few weeks, i have to revisit my judgements on those peers with whom i found fault. i know all of them appeared on my daily inventories and i do not need to make any amends or apologize to anyone, WHEW! the damage that went unaddressed was how i cheapened myself by going into the house of pain of judging others, based on their behaviors. as i sit here this morning, i can forgive myself for being human and treading down that overly familiar path. even in the spirit of forgiveness, i need to find the ways and means to short-circuit that reaction, morphing it into responding and see if i can do better. it is certainly something that i can probably address if i ever start writing my THIRD STEP. 😜
∞ DT ∞