Some memes

to do as i please with my responsibilities to those around us, certainly sounds like a definition of integrity to me or at least one i can implement in my daily life today. as i sat and listened this morning, what bubbled up from the depths was the depth of my self-will these days. i want what i want when i want it, has been my credo. i have done a fairly good job of hiding it in plain sight, by making choices when i am being observed, to be kind, courteous and caring. when i was writing out the first pass on my THIRD STEP yesterday, that was certainly revealed. what i seemed to skip over was the part of acting in an manner that manipulate others to see me as i think i want to be seen. old and familiar behaviors and attitudes coming back to bite me in my ass! 😉
as i am sitting here this morning trying to take the training wheels off AI image generation, i have already ran into my first hiccup and as a result, i have decided to let it go for a few and concentrate on this exercise. i know that behaving my way to better thinking might actually be a manner of practicing integrity, as i am making that choice, even if my motives are more than a little suspect. as what i wrote yesterday about using my behavior of labeling others based on their observed behavior as the ways and means to denigrate myself, sinks in, i am starting to see a path out of this house of pain. that path means accepting what i have been doing to myself as another symptom of addiction, admit i may have some power over it, but it is making my life unmanageable and decide to surrender it into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery. simple enough but hardly easy to do.
after months of not sleeping well, decided to try something new last night. the jury is still out on whether or not it is an option that i will continue to apply to my life, but after a single night, at least my fitness tracker thought i slept well. i was a bit sluggish when i started my day and tonight, as i have a late evening activity will be the real test. it is weird that i can take care of my physical needs with more attention to detail that i care for myself emotionally or spiritually. i am fairly certain that comes from the old script about “real men” and what it means to be a “grown-ass man.” i really thought i had discarded that conditioning, jettisoning along the path to this place in my recovery then <BOOM> it comes back into full force, even after a long minute clean. it appears it looks like i have a bit more writing to do, as it seems i have yet to get it all out on paper. it is a great day, just for today to allow myself the freedom to treat myself well.

∞ DT ∞