Some memes

that bad? do i actually have a disease? how long do i need to keep coming to these classes? am i actually an addict, or am just having a string of bad luck? these questions and perhaps a hundred more, dogged me when i first got clean and had been coerced into abstinence. i did my absolute best to disqualify myself from recovery and as it is evident today, i failed at that task, quite miserably, as my story does not even include a relapse. it does include a whole lot of wailing and gnashing teeth, MINE! in the long run, however, i finally found that i could stop fighting, drop my defenses and allow recovery to take hold. the path between that decision and where i am today, is neither straight nor flat, as even when i accepted that i was an addict and required something more in my life, i was still a rebellious resister to what was the best path for me to follow.
this morning as the void consumed me, i was struck with the notion that i no longer find the word surrender no longer affects me the way it used to. i have no idea if that is a symptom of my growth or just a side-effect from hearing that word used so often. it may even fall into the same category as FAITH: terms that were once a anathema to me, that are now part of my daily life. that is simply what is and i have asked the POWER that fuels my recovery to help me focus on the what is and leave the what is not alone. that too, is something completely different for me. i guess not pretending to work for a place i hated to work for, has given me the time to be a bit more introspective and find a healthier manner in which to fill the hours of my day.
today, those questions that i started with are easy to answer:

• YES, it really was that bad.
• The jury is still out on that, but this question is moot, these days.
• YES, I AM AN ADDICT!

so it is off to the cigar store for an afternoon off of the computer and away from the house. it is a great day to be clean and to be a part of a life worth living.

∞ DT ∞