Some memes

why am i an addict? do i really need a HIGHER POWER? how does this program work? who or what can i blame for my addiction? why should i take responsibility for the manner in which i live? questions, questions, questions! these are just a few questions that bugged the ever-living shit out of me when i was merely abstinent and even followed me into early recovery. having all the answers was sort of my gig for my entire life and not knowing shit about recovery, was a new experience for me and one, i must say, that did not make me very comfortable. it led to fifteen years of struggling to find a spiritual path that worked for me. it also led to more than rebellious episodes when i balked at doing something my sponse suggested that i do. i may not believe in miracles, but it is almost miraculous that this program worked for me and i stuck around.
fast forward to right here and right now. it is quite true i may not have the answers i once thought were so important and that is the point: i can recover without answering those undying questions. i can simply be an addict in recovery, with a checkered past and an unknowable future. neither of those are hindrances to what i am today, they simply are. whether or not i was born an addict or cultured into becoming one is no longer a burning question, although it is my opinion it was a combination of nature and nurture, life in recovery presents its own challenges all by itself, without me making things more complicated, twisted or something it is not. for me, recovery is a way of life, because i choose to make it so. for me, being an addict is just a fact of life, mostly because it makes things simple. for me, the POWER that fuels my recovery, is all the definition i require of a HIGHER POWER. i like to think of myself as being an intellectual with more than a little bit of depth and yet when it comes to recovery, i easily pitch that version of myself out of the window, as this program works, even if i have no clue of the why or how of it.
as i trotted through the 'hood this morning, i felt like quitting after the first half mile. my head told me that i just was not into it today and after all, my fitness tracker would tell me i made no fitness progress anyhow. my head has told me more than once that this recovery gig is too hard and that i need to find an easier and softer way. i persisted in my four mile run this morning, just as i have persisted in my recovery journey. by society's measure, i may not have a whole lot and yet in my own estimation i am quite rich. i have friends these days rather than acquaintances and using buddies. i can give and receive love and it is no longer transactional. i have an identity that i can take some pride in, as i am no longer looking for an angel to get something for nothing. in fact, when i consider where i might have ended up i can see that i am truly one of the fortunate ones and just for today, i can gratefully revel in that light.

∞ DT ∞