๐ today, i can ๐
Posted: Fri, Jul 3, 2026 10:40:13 AM
summon the courage to share my feelings: good, bad, and ugly and make room for empathy to emerge. this morning as i listened and pondered the nature of courage, my feelings and empathy, my less than stellar co-worker, kept emerging and taking over my quiet time. what i heard as a result, is that it is possible that i am being to critical and judgemental about him. what he may need from me, is just a bit of empathy, because i have no clue what it is like to live out of my car after having all my possessions placed on the lawn by the sheriff. regardless of his part in all of that, he is where he is today and i can be a bit kinder in word and deed when it comes to him. the good part about that, is i do not have to deal with him until Monday and for that i am grateful.
today, as i enjoy this cool morning and a cigar, i can see that i have come to a place where swallowing my feeling and hiding behind false smiles and bogus reassurances is not where i want to be. that behavior used to be my default, even in recovery. i had the desire to be agreeable, rather than descending in anger, resentment and rage. yes the pendulum hardly stopped at the bottom of the swing where responding to what i felt, rather than hiding or reacting, was not often in the cards. keeping the peace after decades of stirring the pot, sometimes make me think that i need to be less of myself, instead of being assertive. it has taken a long minute to recognize the boundary between assertive and aggressive and i often over-correct to move right through assertive to passive. big bummer and he good news is i am starting to catch myself before i go too far, either way.
i just got my work schedule for next week and it is outstanding although i am at a loss as to its true nature. i do not need to sell cigs at all and that is weird. i do not know if i am being rewarded or someone else is being punished. what i do know, is that i am probably reading too much into what i see and i just need to accept what is and let it go. i will allow myself the freedom to chill and be okay with what i see. i need not read between the lines and try to look for some sort of subtext, when there probably is none to be found. life in my skin is okay, even if waiting for the pathology to come back on my polyps is less than comforting. i can move forward and instead of waiting for the other she to drop, live in the sunlight of the best outcome possible, no further action is required on my part, just for today.
today, as i enjoy this cool morning and a cigar, i can see that i have come to a place where swallowing my feeling and hiding behind false smiles and bogus reassurances is not where i want to be. that behavior used to be my default, even in recovery. i had the desire to be agreeable, rather than descending in anger, resentment and rage. yes the pendulum hardly stopped at the bottom of the swing where responding to what i felt, rather than hiding or reacting, was not often in the cards. keeping the peace after decades of stirring the pot, sometimes make me think that i need to be less of myself, instead of being assertive. it has taken a long minute to recognize the boundary between assertive and aggressive and i often over-correct to move right through assertive to passive. big bummer and he good news is i am starting to catch myself before i go too far, either way.
i just got my work schedule for next week and it is outstanding although i am at a loss as to its true nature. i do not need to sell cigs at all and that is weird. i do not know if i am being rewarded or someone else is being punished. what i do know, is that i am probably reading too much into what i see and i just need to accept what is and let it go. i will allow myself the freedom to chill and be okay with what i see. i need not read between the lines and try to look for some sort of subtext, when there probably is none to be found. life in my skin is okay, even if waiting for the pathology to come back on my polyps is less than comforting. i can move forward and instead of waiting for the other she to drop, live in the sunlight of the best outcome possible, no further action is required on my part, just for today.
∞ DT ∞