Some memes

how to respect and love people without seeking approval, once again i was less that satisfied with the suggested material this morning and my random choice ended up here. it is a good one and i have gone quite a bit down the road since reading it this morning. i went to my home group, the topic was getting out of my own way. what is going on with me, is i am beating myself up for over-training and now being laid up from training at all, putting my physical fitness and my hiking plans at risk. instead of giving myself a break, i am hammering myself with all sorts of garbage and taking it out on the most vulnerable person in my sights, my co-worker Dick. he fairly broken and seemingly unable to get out of his own way and i am taking it as license to hammer him. not very spiritual and certainly is not part of who i want to become.
the worst part, and yes it gets worse, is that i am diverting myself from what the part of me i call addiction really wants me to go -- the local dispensary where i can park my car without being seen and have that “just one,” that i probably can get away without anyone knowing. that is the second most dangerous part, taking a risk and getting away with it. i have played that game many time before and even the thought of doing so, gives me a little rush. all of this was revealed to me as i told on myself at my home group. the fact that i have been lying to myself was not the problem. the problem was the sneaky little lie i have been quietly telling myself, i should have known better and put more physical recovery into my training after the Bolder Boulder. the who, idea that yes, i could have done something different and chose not to, has become a litany of how bad i am and how disrespectful i am of myself. the actual truth is that i am only human and i made some bad assumptions about my sixty-nine year old body: specifically that i was still in my forties and could train like i was.
the path forward? do my PT exercises, take my time building back to running, pay attention to my knees and hips and allow myself the freedom to recover, without the expectation of quick restoration to form, function or ability. most importantly, do not keep this inside my head, i have a sponsor, i have closed mouthed friends and i have a fellowship that cares a=for me. if i choose to keep them out, then i will continue my slide towards that dispensary and the risk of u=trying to use without consequences.

∞ DT ∞