๐ i will let ๐
Posted: Thu, Sep 24, 2026 08:33:36 AM
others love me, even when i would rather they did not. i will not apologize for my lack of effort yesterday. after a busy and physical day at work and hours after i sat, i really had no clue what i heard about accountability and rather than waste the effort on platitudes and vague statements about how accountable i am these days, i decided a short, this is it entry, was exactly what i needed to post. what that got me, was the ability to come into fresh and listen to a topic that hits me on two levels. in order to allow others to love me, i have to let them close enough to see me. if they see me, they may recoil as they realize how broken i am. worst in my estimation b y allowing them to love me, i am weak and feeble. after all, i am a grown ass man and should be able to find my way through any of what life presents today. moving beyond my self-imposed and self-maintained stigma is what i heard this morning.
certainly what my STEP FOUR work has revealed has played a part in what i heard this morning, even though it is an extension of the tension within that began with my last FIFTH STEP, exploding the lie i took for truth, what i am seeing now, is that “truth” planted the seeds of doubt in who i was so that judgement, contempt for myself and others and condescension became what i was all about. the fly in the ointment in that self-assessment, is my experience has been that no one backed away from me, when they saw me. no one pulled back their love and concern, after i accepted it. more importantly i felt stronger after accepting the love from others than i did when i kept them at arm's distance. reality versus fantasy sucks when i finally see it and now i have the opportunity to beat myself up about how obtuse i have been when in reality i knew what is inside and i know what others are offering me and it is a true Battle Royale. the only way this can and will be resolved is through my step work and the direction i have been going, has always pointed right here. look at how others really see you and see yourself through their eyes and not through the eyes that lied to you for decades on end.
certainly what my STEP FOUR work has revealed has played a part in what i heard this morning, even though it is an extension of the tension within that began with my last FIFTH STEP, exploding the lie i took for truth, what i am seeing now, is that “truth” planted the seeds of doubt in who i was so that judgement, contempt for myself and others and condescension became what i was all about. the fly in the ointment in that self-assessment, is my experience has been that no one backed away from me, when they saw me. no one pulled back their love and concern, after i accepted it. more importantly i felt stronger after accepting the love from others than i did when i kept them at arm's distance. reality versus fantasy sucks when i finally see it and now i have the opportunity to beat myself up about how obtuse i have been when in reality i knew what is inside and i know what others are offering me and it is a true Battle Royale. the only way this can and will be resolved is through my step work and the direction i have been going, has always pointed right here. look at how others really see you and see yourself through their eyes and not through the eyes that lied to you for decades on end.
∞ DT ∞