Some memes

to be a burden or to appear needy, i isolate and tell myself that i can handle any issue alone. over my time in recovery, that statement rings less and less true, but the part of me i call addiction, still whispers quietly that i can be self-sufficient, no one needs to know my shit and i can need to keep my cards close to my chest. one might think, that with all the time and experience i have accumulated in recovery, i would never, ever deny myself the opportunity to share my burdens with my peers. one might think that, and if i was better, one would be correct. as much as i am loathe to admit it, i am an addict and familiar patterns of behavior almost always seem the easier and softer road, even though i know better.
as i sat this morning, what kept coming up for me, was what two of the men who call me their sponsor talked about with me, yesterday. they both are trying with all their might to get “unstuck.” what they said and where they are in their recovery program is not relevant. what is relevant for me anyhow, is the rhetorical question of whether of not i am stuck in my program. the answer to that question is maybe. i know i am not writing my steps or going to a shit ton of meetings. i also know that i am feeling balanced, respected and loved, by the people in my life and most importantly by myself. i guess listening to them yesterday, made me question the state of my own recovery and that is not a bad thing. i often live my recovery life in cruise control and now that life in retirement is becoming settled in, i can focus on what is going on inside and if i need a bit of outside help, well i can always ask for it. my pride and ego, may wish to stand in the way of my progress but, just for today, i have choices and i can choose to allow others in as i let myself reach out.

∞ DT ∞