Some memes

this admission transformed a tired old excuse into an affirmation and positioned me for the first of the Twelve Steps. honesty and self-assessment. support from my peers in recovery. owning that i may say that i am fine when i am not. all of that sounds like disparate topics but they fit a puzzle that me recovery has been assembling since the first tine i HONESTLY admitted i was an addict. it is quite true that when i went in front of the judge, both times i claimed i was an addict. that was a ploy, at least in my head, to get a easier, softer sentence and it mostly worked. the fact that i never went to prison was the evidence i required that claiming i was an addict, even if i did not believe it was enough. after a lapse in judgement almost ended in a relapse and possible consequences, i finally could admit, at least on some level, that i certainly was an addict. not addicted to substances, not a recovering addict or any sort of addict that required a modifier, i finally became honest, just enough, to accept that maybe this was a path i could follow to get he sort of life i might enjoy living, even if my old life still appealed to me.
time and steps have brought to this crossroads in my life. i see a path forward out of the morass of fear, uncertainty and doubt that has been part of my life for as long as i can remember. working through the fears that have consumed and coming out on the other side with an inventory of my assets, is all that is left of my FOURTH STEP and i have made my FIFTH STEP appointment. i do not know how things will go, in fact my sponsor asked if he should bring a box of tissues. i, of course, laughed at the suggestion even though i cannot not control the emotional consequences of finishing this phase of my step work. i am living in a state of FAITH here, that this will neither break nor make me, it will simply be the next correct step on my journey.
where does all of that fit in the overarching topic of honesty and self-assessment. for someone, such as myself, who live a lie far longer than he needed to, it means freedom from the yoke of recriminations, expectations beyond any human capability and accepting responsibility and consequence for a well-examined life. it means self-assessment is no longer the ways and means to put myself down or lift myself above others. judgement and my contempt for myself and others, may take a very long minute to fade into black, but i have he HOPE that they certainly will do just that. i also know that when i choose to forgive myself for being human, i take a step forward in forgiving the rest of the world, their humanness. just for today.

∞ DT ∞