Some memes

into better thinking was one of the most confusing concepts that i had to deal with, way back when i first started my recovery journey. my ability to be some sort of every man, to fit whatever situation i found myself in, was killing me. i did not know it at the time, but being who i needed to be to get what i wanted, left me more than a bit confused about how to behave now that i was clean. so when i was told to act “as-if” i wondered how honest that really was. what i discovered, when i made a conscious choice to act in one manner or another, even when i did not feel like doing so, i started to choose that road more often and i developed a desire to be the behavior i was emulating. in other words, when i chose to be kind even when i thought someone was an asshole, i slowly and surely evolved into a kinder person.
as i was talking to one of the men that call me his sponsor this morning, this was exactly the topic that came up. he said that he lived his life behind a series of façades to fit the different roles in his life. i not only “get” that ides, i have been there, done that and got the T-shirt. the reason the whole behaving my way into better thinking confused me as well as him, is that i thought that living behind those facéades, was doing exactly that, when in fact i was acting as a different person, rather than being myself, choosing my behaviors to fit the person i wanted to be. time and practice and some clean time later, i can still be the self-centered addict who walked into the rooms all those days ago, but that happens less and less every day i stay clean.

∞ DT ∞