Some memes

put my freedom to good use by living the steps. over and over again i have said that the freedom i have received in recovery is freedom from active addiction. in reality i have received a whole lot more freedom, the first being the freedom to choose a response to the events that happen in my life. as part of that freedom, i do not always respond in the best manner, BUT, and yes it is a big one, at least i have made a choice. in the past, i reacted and some of the time, my reactions were appropriate, but most of the time, they were not. for me, daily maintenance is just what i do, even if i have the freedom to forgo it on any given day. it was my experience on my trek to the top of Africa that not starting my day off with twenty minute or so of meditating on a passage from recovery literature, led to all kinds of turmoil, angst and less than stellar ways and means of behaving. i stopped believing in myself or my ego took over and i did not take care of myself. i became short and walked around with a shit ton of expectations. i wanted to isolate and just be left alone. all in all, i had very little freedom and if someone had offered me a one-hitter or a vape, i might have just said WTF, i might as well, who is really going to know? i made it to the top of Africa and came home injured because of my lack of spiritual self-care and my need to have others think better of me than i was feeling. lesson learned? do what works, even if it is not convenient.
that partial litany of me tripping back into a less than free state is only one example. my life is full of examples of how i can quickly throw away my hard earned freedom by playing a just for today card of being just “fine,” the reality of my life in recovery is that i am only “fine,” when i find the practical ways and means to implement the steps in my daily life. to me that means finding the ways and means to be myself and to allow that self to be comfortable as he walks through the world. not too shabby of a goal and one that is certainly achievable on any given day.
thinking back over my service yesterday, i let my direction get too carried away into solution and advice, rather than guiding my peer towards finding the answers himself. i can make all sorts of excuse such as it was my first time working with him, but that is just a rationalization. the lesson i take away from that interaction is to step away from what i “think” and move into what i am feeling. the worst part was i knew where i was going and chose to go there, rather than using the gift of pause to reflect and respond. today, i will take that as a lesson learned and remember that my opinions, of which i have many, need only be stated when i am asked to do so and resist my urge to prove how wise and sage i think i am.

∞ DT ∞