๐ the safe environment ๐
Posted: Mon, Oct 6, 2025 11:28:07 AM
of the fellowship that is my recovery home, gives me the chance to face my own fear. it did take a very long minute and more than a few trips through the steps to get to the bottom of my fear. with each sequence of Twelve Steps, i got a bit closer to the truth about me, and what my real fear actually was. the irony of all of that was, i knew what was wrong and i denied it was still affecting me. in y mins, i had thought that issue was resolved a very long time ago and each time i tripped across it in a FOURTH STEP, i dismissed my concerns with a wave of my magic denial wand and moved along. i got better, but not as “better” as i might have, if only …
this morning as i consider what might have been, i have to pause and take stock in the what is. i have a program of recovery that provides me the ways and means to be free from active addiction on a daily basis. that i and of itself is enough on most days. when i reach back and look at the paths i might have taken and wonder where i would be, if only i did, i start to spin down in the FEAR that maybe i have been wrong all these years and the “good life” that eluded me,way back when was actually right around the corner, if i had the patience to wait for it to arrive. 🤣 🤣 seriously though, looking back with regrets to what might have been, is not where i truly need to be.
today, i have allowed myself to drift off my usual plan of the day and take my tie arriving anywhere. i am finally coming to accept that in this phase of my retirement, a schedule is not necessary, especially when no one is expecting me to be anywhere. the expectation i have put on myself to be somewhere at some particular time is an artifact of my working life and may once again become part of my life. today, however that is not the case and i can and will enjoy taking my time to arrive anywhere. whatever i get done today, i can be okay knowing that i did it to the best of my ability and at the perfectly correct time. there is a security in knowing that even though i may not have any answers to the meaning of my life, i am safe and secure knowing that the path i am on, may not lead to a life i fantasized about, but have given me a life i can treasure and honor, just for today.
this morning as i consider what might have been, i have to pause and take stock in the what is. i have a program of recovery that provides me the ways and means to be free from active addiction on a daily basis. that i and of itself is enough on most days. when i reach back and look at the paths i might have taken and wonder where i would be, if only i did, i start to spin down in the FEAR that maybe i have been wrong all these years and the “good life” that eluded me,way back when was actually right around the corner, if i had the patience to wait for it to arrive. 🤣 🤣 seriously though, looking back with regrets to what might have been, is not where i truly need to be.
today, i have allowed myself to drift off my usual plan of the day and take my tie arriving anywhere. i am finally coming to accept that in this phase of my retirement, a schedule is not necessary, especially when no one is expecting me to be anywhere. the expectation i have put on myself to be somewhere at some particular time is an artifact of my working life and may once again become part of my life. today, however that is not the case and i can and will enjoy taking my time to arrive anywhere. whatever i get done today, i can be okay knowing that i did it to the best of my ability and at the perfectly correct time. there is a security in knowing that even though i may not have any answers to the meaning of my life, i am safe and secure knowing that the path i am on, may not lead to a life i fantasized about, but have given me a life i can treasure and honor, just for today.
∞ DT ∞