Some memes

fellowship as a group of survivors collectively fighting our addiction, bonded by our recovery. this what my source material called solidarity but i see it as much more than that. where once i saw it as a collection of weak and feeble cult-like weirdos, i now find safety and comfort withing their embrace. i am one of them and i feel safe and secure within the fellowship. i have yet to tell every single peer, every single dirty detail of who i am but to those whom i am the closest, there are no lingering secrets. i have come to trust them with my stuff as they seem to trust me with theirs'. the period of calm and serenity i am experiencing between the completion of my FOURTH STEP writing and my appointment for my FIFTH STEP, is certainly unprecedented. i have a sneaky feeling it is because of the safety and security i feel in the company of my peers that is behind it, but i am not going to spoil it by peeking behind the curtain. i know the same period during my last step cycle was filled with angst, as i was about to finally reveal and deal with my secret shame and its affect on me across the decades of my existence. this step cycle is all about moving beyond that toxic “truth” and seeing myself for who i am, exploding the irrational fears that have driven so much of how i interact with the world around me. well i be “cured” of my self contempt and fear that i am not a string person? probably not, the HOPE i have is that i will find the ways and means to counter that, reduce that toxic influence to background noise and live a bit less constrained by what i am not.
the void today was not quiet, as i lost one of my fantasy football matches and the how and why drove me to distraction as i plotted and planned out my next moves. when i could finally let go of that, my conversation with my co-worker last night took its place. she was at the verge of reporting being uncomfortable at work when she shared with me last week and i gave her the kick in the ass she needed to move forward. she was at the point where she did not want to work with our teammate alone and was going to ask for a schedule change. it does not look like our teammate will be forgiven and allowed back to work, as he did not make a good impression on the manager that holds his fate in their hands. once again, i am not sorry for prodding her to action, and i feel compassion and empathy for Dick, but his actions and behavior were IMHO unconscionable.
as i come to an understanding of what i carried for all those years, i can see myself in a similar situation, accepting a familiarity that does not exist. i will need to watch my own behavior as i am quite flip with some of my customers with whom i share “inside jokes.” i saw that in the reaction of one my customers that i have an issue with, as i treat him with cold courtesy instead of warm shucking and jiving. he was witness to me doing so last night, with two of my favorite customers and seemed to react in a negative manner. i am close to a boundary there and i certainly may need to pull back, no matter how well my behavior is received by those with whom i am joking around. anyhow on to my day and obsessing about who to reach for to prevent another loss in fantasy football. it is still a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞