Some memes

not define me, and i can use it to help someone else heal. okay, there is quite an irony to the first clause in that statement. for over five decades i was defined by the pain of the abuse of a parent when i was five years old. the irony? it took five step cycles for me to admit i was hurt and that i was still reacting to that hurt. the shame of that event and the jokes my Mom made about when i was an adult haunted me until my last FOURTH STEP, even though i would have told anyone who was listening that it was no big deal and i had “dealt” with it. the fact that she dismissed my concerns when i confronted her and then turned all apologetic and sycophantic about my feelings, did little to remove the pain. i am quite sure she knew what she was doing way back when and even though she was trashed drunk when she made the jokes, she still “knew” the shame i still felt. it was tough for me to forgive her and even tougher for me to forgive myself for burying the pain and shame until my mid-sixties. the release i feel today from being freed from expecting anything more from her and forgiving her, is a gift that i can willingly share with my peers in recovery.
carrying that shame and pain for so long has certainly shaped this set of steps. i became quite adept at beating myself up once i created the lie that i was too broken to be seen. withing that construct i had to hide what i really thought and felt, because i was certain it was wrong. i had to be anyone but who i really was and the result was i could berate myself by not perfectly living within that lie. the decades of practice at self-criticism and hiding in plain sight, left me in the state i find myself now: my own worse critic. the worst part f it all is that i saw nothing wrong with any of that. i was protecting myself from exposure, ridicule and swallowing my shame, so i could always look better than i was feeling. from this perspective it is some sort of “miracle” i survived and found the ways and means to thrive. it is no wonder that i learned that when confronted my strategy is deny, deflect and minimize until my back is up against the wall, then and only then apologize.
it is quite revealing what i heard today as i consider how i am going to move on from being defined by my pain. i know that growth into a person who truly is whole and genuine is possible as i have achieved most of that goal. everything else from here on forward is about becoming who i am and not allowing myself to fall back into that familiar pattern of hiding in plain sight and not believing that i truly am doing the best i can do, with what i have, just for today.

∞ DT ∞