Some memes

not free, a lot of times the price of freedom is forgiveness. this is a notion that still dogs me to this day, forgiving bothers for what they have done unto me, or at least what i perceive as having been done unto me. it took me months after my Mom died, to forgive her for what she done over the course of nearly six decades. i am still carrying the burden of righteous indignation against a few of my peers, that definitely did me wrong. oh i say i forgive them and in the moment, perhaps i actually do, BUT and yes it is a big one, a few days later my cycle of what they did and when the fuck are they going to make it better, kicks in again. i know in my heart of heats, that i really do not need to carry those burdens and it certainly wears me down, once the rush of getting all worked up about wears off. my Mom is an easy one, as i expect nothing to come to me from beyond the grave, the rest? well i am working on them, as i truly do want freedom.
i got a text yesterday from a peer who is much younger in their recovery journey, that stated he wanted what i had, specifically to be comfortable in their own skin, as i profess to be, most of the time. i have to say, he puts on a pretty good show about being comfortable about who he is, and he has confessed to me, that it is just a show. i am never sure what to do with compliments, even with a few minutes clean. i had to finish my walk, pick-up and eat my lunch and fire up a stogie, before i was ready to respond. what i replied was that i still have difficulty accepting compliments, especially from my male peers and i often wonder what they are preparing to ask me to do, after confessing that to him and letting him know that my default behavior to handle compliments is to deflect them by minimizing them or making them into a joke on me. so i got the opportunity to be myself, own my stuff and let him know that i appreciated him seeing what i usually cannot see, my assets and my progress. the nice part of all that, is i do not have to forgive myself for dropping into false humility or beating myself up.
so now is the time for me to get up and rolling out to the cigar store for a couple of sticks, this afternoon. i have a project to finish and QA that is certainly skill-building for job hunt and i am hiking tomorrow, so work on Sunday, has to be. life is good today and i have accomplished all that i had the desire to get done before leaving the house. i have to admit, i am digging the shit out of this retirement gig, but i really do need to get a source of funds, flowing again, just not today. 🤑

∞ DT ∞